A chum is getting spliced in three weeks and i'm on the hunt for an outfit.
There is absolutely no chance in the world that I am going to be even in the same league of good looking ness as the rest of the guests. For a start the bride is a GORGEOUS blonde size 8 who wears the most fashionable city shorts with high heels and all of her other mates are a maximum size 10, all of which are tanned, blonde goddesses or fabulously sleek limbed brunettes.
This tubby ginge, just ain't gonna cut it at this party.
However, it does give one a certain freedom in the wardrobe dept. They all either don't know me from adam or think I'm a bit of a twat anyway, so if I chipped up in a Banana Man costume, it would be rather par for the course. With this in mind, anything off the high street will attract zero interest, so I can look as stupid as I like.
Cue the ridiculous shoes I have just bought http://www.irregularchoice.com/
My boots are so ace and new and brilliant that they're not even on the website yet! They're silver material, with rows and rows of different colour metallic spots on them, with a lace up in blue ribbon at the back. I am going to wear them with either:
- a light green vintage 60s shift dress with a big panel of lace down the front
- An electric blue, silk, floor length fleetwood mac style 70's number (first choice if temperature is less than 20 degrees)
- A bright green knee length grecian style dress I bought in the M&S sale today (is a bit bland, so am going to put different coloured ribbon around my waist to match the shoes and peacock feathers in the barnet)
Awesome awesome awesome!
Sweetheart doesn't seem to mind if I look like a ginger leprecaun on acid and I don't know any fecker apart from the bride, so I'm planning to chip up dressed like I ran through Littlewoods in 1974 on my way to a marc bolan concert, get leathered on the free booze, flirt with the brides dad and be sick in the taxi home. EXCELLENT NIGHT OUT!
Last time I did that though, I had to be escourted from the wedding reception at 8pm, totally shitfaced after slurring at the people I had deemed as "boring" - "i don't care you're not talking to me - you're all a bunch of c**** anyway!"
*close eyes in horror at own shame*
I'm not all that good with strangers. Sweetheart thinks I'm super confident, but that's only because I have to do the jazz hands shizit for the two of us because he has a massive confidence issue. In reality, I'm cringing inside and have to have about a bottle of rose inside me before I can talk to people.
Not a fact one of my best marras was concerned about when she made me do a reading at her wedding a couple of years ago - but that's all water under the bridge now. I'm going to make her do a dance routine in a freakin' leotard at mine.
God, better buy something off the wedding list this weekend. With only 3 weeks to go the affordable stuff will all be gone and the only stuff left will be single salad forks (which will make me look like a tight arse) or a dining room table. Damn my tardiness.
I tell you what, grapple fans - if I ever get spliced I'm going to make it fancy dress and we're all have a lovely old sing song to Dolly Parton and Queen instead of all of this stressful giant dress, sit down tea and massive event business.