British Military Punishment

I've thrown myself into the fray, dear reader and joined British Military Fitness with one of the girls from work.

I have to confess, the idea of being bossed about by a burly soldier in big boots and combat trews a couple of time a week was actually more compelling than the exercise part of the deal, but I thought that if I got thinner WHILE being a perv was a massive bonus.

Unfortunately, the soldiers are older and not as lush as I was anticipating (unsurprisingly, they don't look anything like all the blokes in Platoon) and they actually work you like a bitch.

Stella and I made the SCHOOL GIRL error of volunteering to go up a group from the pansy blues to the reds on Thursday and I swear to god I've snapped something that I didn't even know I had inside my tummy.

They literally make you drop down and give them 20 (press ups - fnarr) if you don't pay attention and on Thursday, we were all spotted standing with out hands on our hips after doing the assault course (going under the cargo net was my fav bit. although i wasn't very good at going in a straight line) trying to stop ourselves vomiting from exertion, so we were made to run to the next instructor with our hands on out hips shouting "i will not put my hands on my hips".

It's would actually be totally hilarious if I didn't want to die after every class.

I'll be a size 8 this time next year though.

Which will be a total result as currently my thighs are a size 8 each.

freakishly healthy people at work

OK, so you know I'm chubby and eat and drink too much yeah? and I have no discernable "skills" other than being able to put my whole fist in my mouth and play music on my teeth...

Well the new job is really testing me in ways I never expected it would. Dear reader, they are ALL massive health freaks.

In my first few days I discovered the following:

They all want to do the new Brighton marathon "because Brighton has been lobbying for one for ages" - I'm sorry = WHAT?!? fuck me, at our old gaff in SE London the locals were lobbying for a new needle exchange centre, but we didn't all have to become bloody smack head to "support it"

About 70% of them have tried at least one extreme sport - the girl that sits opposite me wake boarded TO WORK the other day

Two of my bosses have done the Tough Guy race (google it, go on, I dare you, get behavioural targeted by an endurance race) 4 years in a row

It's all a bit stressful to be honest.

It's bad enough moving to a new city and a brand new job, to find out that you are a totally inadequate human being in you're first few days is a little more than I was banking on.

hmm, Bank...Bankers... chiiiiiiiiiiiiips...........

STOP STOP STOP!!!

Must stop eating cheese on toast in my knickers and sleepy t-shirt and go for a run!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

new job = awesome

So I have been in the new job for 4 (count em) weeks and larks a mercy, it's going frighteningly well. I have so far convinced them of the following:

• I know what I am doing
• I know what I am talking about
• I am mostly sober

All in all a bit of a result!

The feckers made me pitch in my first week and do a presentation about online PR and search "stuff" in my second week at an industry exhibition, but according to our website, I "swam" despite being thrown in the deep end. They obviously haven't realised that the rictus spasm of fear on my face isn't actually a smile yet. Ah well - I'll start being evil quite soon and forcing my team to get in on time and they'll regret hiring me - but by then it will be too late as I will be over my probation period. mwha ha ha..!

It's a great company tho - we genuinely do some ace stuff - so regular readers who want some proper online PR - TAKE NOTE! and give us an opportunity to pitch for your business. I promise you won't regret it.

(honestly, as if I have regular readers...)

back on weight watchers - 18 points a day

Oh good grief

I'm only a bloody stone heavier than I want to be.  How did that happen? Literally ALL I've been eating is choclit and cheese - I mean that's protein and sugar - no carbs OR ANYTHING!

But anyhoot.  Breakfast has been toast without butter and jam.  4 points.

I have 14 points left for the rest of the day.  Even the wet catfood pouches are looking tasty already.

parents down for weekend

We had the first set of parents down last weekend. Mine. So a real baptism of fire. Happily we were all drunk for about 50% of it, but these were the moments of note:

• Mum's barely concealed delight at spotting the naturist beach and an elderly penis on the walk to the Marina
• Dad getting cross because he couldn't work the new mobile handset Tat had given to mum
• Me and Dad getting sunburnt - the ginger force was strong in our house last weekend
• Mum loudly talking about being able to see the sea when she was sitting on the toilet when the windows were open and the neighbours were outside
• Mum nearly walking into a wall when she saw Chris Eubank
• Mum getting cross when she found out we hadn't told her that David Walliams was having lunch in the same place as us (see mums reaction above for reason why we kept that one quiet)
• Mum getting confused with the fact our bedroom is down stairs and repeatedly walking in the wrong direction to go to the kitchen
• Dad getting cross when restaurants gave us bread at the beginning of the meal "I haven't asked for it, so I'm not paying for it"

Can't imagine how fun packed Christmas will be!

my sitting room looks like the Odeon

So we have a bigger sitting room since we moved. But not so big that I don't notice when sweetheart "smuggles" in new giant surround sound speakers. At the moment we have a 42 inch TV (which he isn't happy with any more and wants a projector - WHAT?!?) and 3 massive speakers around it that don't even fit on the TV cabinet thing.

Sadly it's now his responsibility to find a new piece of furniture to house everything, so I'm going to be staring at it for years to come

*sigh*

power plate action

Spurred on by the thought of going on an expensive holiday this year (big up the house sale - watch my profit turn to nothing as I squander it on global warming long haul flights and on shoes)... I've upped the anti (i wish it was auntie - imagine how hilarious "upping up your auntie would be) and as well as the gym, I'm also now doing power plates with one of the girls at work.

GOOD LORD.

Dear reader, if you have enjoyed some power plate action yourself in the past you'll know just how bonkers it is.

You basically stand on a huge vibrating metal plate and do half an hour of your normal exercises - dips, press ups, leg stretches, etc. 25 mins of power plating is the equivalent of an hour of weights. Sounds too good to be true until you've try and walk quickly back to the office afterwards to find that your internal organs have turned to jelly and all of your previously underused muscle groups are freaking out and shaking.

They are berillinat though. Have just been to gym today and after 2 PP sessions, I can run faster and further and have upped my weights on the machines.

Awesome. I'm going to be like a size zero batman. Lush.