Shopping for wedding outfits

What larks, dear reader

A chum is getting spliced in three weeks and i'm on the hunt for an outfit.

There is absolutely no chance in the world that I am going to be even in the same league of good looking ness as the rest of the guests. For a start the bride is a GORGEOUS blonde size 8 who wears the most fashionable city shorts with high heels and all of her other mates are a maximum size 10, all of which are tanned, blonde goddesses or fabulously sleek limbed brunettes.

This tubby ginge, just ain't gonna cut it at this party.

However, it does give one a certain freedom in the wardrobe dept. They all either don't know me from adam or think I'm a bit of a twat anyway, so if I chipped up in a Banana Man costume, it would be rather par for the course. With this in mind, anything off the high street will attract zero interest, so I can look as stupid as I like.

Cue the ridiculous shoes I have just bought http://www.irregularchoice.com/

My boots are so ace and new and brilliant that they're not even on the website yet! They're silver material, with rows and rows of different colour metallic spots on them, with a lace up in blue ribbon at the back. I am going to wear them with either:

• a light green vintage 60s shift dress with a big panel of lace down the front
• An electric blue, silk, floor length fleetwood mac style 70's number (first choice if temperature is less than 20 degrees)
• A bright green knee length grecian style dress I bought in the M&S sale today (is a bit bland, so am going to put different coloured ribbon around my waist to match the shoes and peacock feathers in the barnet)

Awesome awesome awesome!

Sweetheart doesn't seem to mind if I look like a ginger leprecaun on acid and I don't know any fecker apart from the bride, so I'm planning to chip up dressed like I ran through Littlewoods in 1974 on my way to a marc bolan concert, get leathered on the free booze, flirt with the brides dad and be sick in the taxi home. EXCELLENT NIGHT OUT!

Last time I did that though, I had to be escourted from the wedding reception at 8pm, totally shitfaced after slurring at the people I had deemed as "boring" - "i don't care you're not talking to me - you're all a bunch of c**** anyway!"

*close eyes in horror at own shame*

I'm not all that good with strangers. Sweetheart thinks I'm super confident, but that's only because I have to do the jazz hands shizit for the two of us because he has a massive confidence issue. In reality, I'm cringing inside and have to have about a bottle of rose inside me before I can talk to people.

Not a fact one of my best marras was concerned about when she made me do a reading at her wedding a couple of years ago - but that's all water under the bridge now. I'm going to make her do a dance routine in a freakin' leotard at mine.

God, better buy something off the wedding list this weekend. With only 3 weeks to go the affordable stuff will all be gone and the only stuff left will be single salad forks (which will make me look like a tight arse) or a dining room table. Damn my tardiness.

I tell you what, grapple fans - if I ever get spliced I'm going to make it fancy dress and we're all have a lovely old sing song to Dolly Parton and Queen instead of all of this stressful giant dress, sit down tea and massive event business.

eeks!

broken neck

So I totally broke my neck last week.

Well, OK, seriously pulled the muscles in it. Eitherway it was incredibly painful. I'm not sure why or how I did it, but I did something odd to the muscles on the right shoulder blade, which tightened and shortened them, which in turn pulled the muscles on the left side until I was constantly pulling the one that runs down your head and over your shoulder that starts with S and has 6 syllables. That was the one that hurt. A lot.

Super Sam @ Body & Soul who sorted it put me through 45 mins of intensive full on agony on Tuesday night - but by Thursday night I could turn my head again and sleep without painkillers. Awesome. I then went back on Friday night (I know, the glamour) for stage two of magical neck recovery and now I can pretty much spin my head around like an owl and could go for a run this morning.

What was a bit worrying was my mum emailing me with a recipe for mixing non prescription painkillers to get the most effect cocktail of pain relief. Impressive, but slightly worrying - don't think you learn that from Women & Home.

Yes I know this post is minus in amusement value. But it dominated my week, so you're hearing about it anyway.

So there

middle class brighton

I saw something on my street today, that I only thought I would see on the streets of east dulwich. I am afriad.

A whole family wearing crocs

The father was a too old for the jeans and hat he was sporting

He was playing a harmonica while his women folk (all wearing funny bits of material wrapped around their coiffeured heads) all simpered with delight

i bet they had mung beans in their hessian shopping bags

noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Where are the gay body-poppers and vomiting teenagers? where are the pierced rockerbillies with mexican skull tattoos?

Oh - it's OK readers - PHEW - a very drunk homeless man is asleep in a neighbours doorway a couple of doors down on the opposite side.

THAT - my darlings - was a close one.

ANNOYING GOOGLE

Man alive, they're pissing me off!

Every time I want to log into this ruddy blog I have to reset the pass word - TO THE SAME PASSWORD I MAY ADD - to get access.

I know they're making it super annoying and hard because i still don,t have a a google mail account. I don't WANT one. I have a hotmail AND a yahoo! and yahoo! has just started to get interesting with all of my contacts starting to get a bit more vital.

Am going to start looking for new blog facility - but I bet it's going to be really hard to export all of my current posts to a new one. Bah!

Anyone with any advice (out of the 2 people that read this, that 2 obv including myself) please let me know. Is really annoying

Ta muchly

Looking forward to seeing RB later

Calloo Callay, dear reader, I am seeing one of my bessy pals, RB later today.

She is one of the most impressive and professional people in the world. She pretty much redfines the word 'inspirational' in each job she has and if they could, I think her line managers would clone her and make an army of PR soldiers to take over the world (although secretly, you know PR people actually run the world anyway...).

She has also been my boss twice - and she is fucking hardcore.

However, what I particularly love about her is the fact that although she is super human and uber professional in the work place, not many people know that:

• when she gets home late at night, she often puts lumps of cheese in the microwave to melt them before eating them
• she has a season ticket to the Oval (is it called a season ticket in Cricket-land?) and when she goes to matches, she sits and watches it while listening to the commentary on headphones (loser)
• she gets annoyed at her lovely husband because he doesn't like many vegetables

I am very much looking forward to seeing her and her mum (who also has bonkers hair) later and drinking too much red wine and probably falling over.

Horray!

meeting new people

Although sweetheart hates it, now we're settled in and been in Brighton for 6 months, I'm trying to get us out and about to meet people and make friends.

Lat night we went next door to our fabulous neighbours for a couple of civilised drinks to get to know them and our neighbours on the other side.

Dear reader, it's 9.27am the next day and I am still drunk.

Man alive, we put it away. I can't even remember getting home and we LIVE NEXT DOOR. Yikes. I whole heartedly expect I was a massive twat and won't be invited back, but I am a bit in love with all our neighbours now.

N&M on the other side are pretty much the most attractive couple in Brighton (annoying? yes, of course) and have an amazing house that they've gutted and renovated and they are about 5 years younger than us (feckers). I&C next door's house used to be a restaurant and the original Lavendar Exchange! I's dad is a ridiculously talented artist and they have two cats I think I probably tried to smuggle home under my dress.

All in all, the sense of utter inadequateness that I feel on a daily basis at work, has been amplified about ten fold by trying to make friends. Boo. It all makes me want to go and have another tattoo. I think drawing something else on my body will make me a more interesting person.

Mum, look into my eyes - you didn't just read that - these are not the droids you are looking for....

British Military Punishment

I've thrown myself into the fray, dear reader and joined British Military Fitness with one of the girls from work.

I have to confess, the idea of being bossed about by a burly soldier in big boots and combat trews a couple of time a week was actually more compelling than the exercise part of the deal, but I thought that if I got thinner WHILE being a perv was a massive bonus.

Unfortunately, the soldiers are older and not as lush as I was anticipating (unsurprisingly, they don't look anything like all the blokes in Platoon) and they actually work you like a bitch.

Stella and I made the SCHOOL GIRL error of volunteering to go up a group from the pansy blues to the reds on Thursday and I swear to god I've snapped something that I didn't even know I had inside my tummy.

They literally make you drop down and give them 20 (press ups - fnarr) if you don't pay attention and on Thursday, we were all spotted standing with out hands on our hips after doing the assault course (going under the cargo net was my fav bit. although i wasn't very good at going in a straight line) trying to stop ourselves vomiting from exertion, so we were made to run to the next instructor with our hands on out hips shouting "i will not put my hands on my hips".

It's would actually be totally hilarious if I didn't want to die after every class.

I'll be a size 8 this time next year though.

Which will be a total result as currently my thighs are a size 8 each.

freakishly healthy people at work

OK, so you know I'm chubby and eat and drink too much yeah? and I have no discernable "skills" other than being able to put my whole fist in my mouth and play music on my teeth...

Well the new job is really testing me in ways I never expected it would. Dear reader, they are ALL massive health freaks.

In my first few days I discovered the following:

They all want to do the new Brighton marathon "because Brighton has been lobbying for one for ages" - I'm sorry = WHAT?!? fuck me, at our old gaff in SE London the locals were lobbying for a new needle exchange centre, but we didn't all have to become bloody smack head to "support it"

About 70% of them have tried at least one extreme sport - the girl that sits opposite me wake boarded TO WORK the other day

Two of my bosses have done the Tough Guy race (google it, go on, I dare you, get behavioural targeted by an endurance race) 4 years in a row

It's all a bit stressful to be honest.

It's bad enough moving to a new city and a brand new job, to find out that you are a totally inadequate human being in you're first few days is a little more than I was banking on.

hmm, Bank...Bankers... chiiiiiiiiiiiiips...........

STOP STOP STOP!!!

Must stop eating cheese on toast in my knickers and sleepy t-shirt and go for a run!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

new job = awesome

So I have been in the new job for 4 (count em) weeks and larks a mercy, it's going frighteningly well. I have so far convinced them of the following:

• I know what I am doing
• I know what I am talking about
• I am mostly sober

All in all a bit of a result!

The feckers made me pitch in my first week and do a presentation about online PR and search "stuff" in my second week at an industry exhibition, but according to our website, I "swam" despite being thrown in the deep end. They obviously haven't realised that the rictus spasm of fear on my face isn't actually a smile yet. Ah well - I'll start being evil quite soon and forcing my team to get in on time and they'll regret hiring me - but by then it will be too late as I will be over my probation period. mwha ha ha..!

It's a great company tho - we genuinely do some ace stuff - so regular readers who want some proper online PR - TAKE NOTE! and give us an opportunity to pitch for your business. I promise you won't regret it.

(honestly, as if I have regular readers...)